RRR – A Mega Flop, Down Under

Disclaimer: The following rant bears no resemblance to the movie. All the characters and events ridiculed below are based on the absolute abject, slightly bordering on hilarious, showing of Team India in the T20 World Cup. The language contains a significant amount of frustration topped with dollops of sarcasm, so if fans of certain individuals are hurt, well…

The leade-R of the pack! 

Rohit Sharma sat distraught in the dugout after the semifinal. His head in his hands, his cap clinging loosely to his disheveled hair. It was the perfect screenshot opportunity for the Rohitians to garner sympathy for their beloved skipper who sat staring into the abyss. He’s the ‘chilled out’ one, more laid back than ‘Captain Cool’ and he knows how to keep the team atmosphere less intense. Jos Buttler and Alex Hales made a mockery of all that jazz and made him look more clueless than Sachin Tendulkar in the 1999 CB Series. His ‘kya yaar’ after every misfield or a dropped catch should make it to every ‘frustrated Rohit’ Youtube compilation with his expression after Mohammed Shami’s comedy gold as the thumbnail.

The Rohitians had a forgettable World Cup, but they must’ve been prepared for that – just three fifties in the 29 T20Is in 2022 should’ve been a pretty good indicator of what’s to come on the ‘tacky’ Australian tracks. It got worse because Virat Kohli actually hit form! But then again, can you entirely blame Rohit for not hitting form in this World Cup? Maybe not because he was tasked with being the lead PR of the ‘new approach with his opening partner playing out maiden overs at the other end.

He did his best. 116 runs in six games at an average of 19.33. He showed signs of ‘being dangerous’ during his 27-ball 28 in the semis. IPL’s most celebrated skipper was constantly timid during fielding as well. Bangladesh exposed us in the group stage, yet none of his moves raised an eyebrow, not one bowling change startled any opposition. Then again, can he really do anything if his bowlers don’t turn up for him?

The KRA man!

That brings us to the KRA man of Indian cricket. KL Rahul came into the scene as a cultured Test player, then suddenly he turned into an IPL dasher, and now, he’s just vibes! 

For a guy with a solid beard, toned biceps, and great tattoos, he’s completely risk-averse. He’s so risk-averse that he features in RBI ads and not the mutual fund ones. He takes his time, reads every scheme-related document, and lets the powerplay go by before nicking one into the safe hands of the wicketkeeper! But hey, he does play a delectable flick over square leg, once in a while!

Now, ok, that’s a bit unfair on him. He’s got five fifties in 11 outings in the last two T20 World Cups. When he gets it right, he’s lethal – can anyone ever forget his swashbuckling 69 against the Afghans, or his dynamic 54 against Namibia, or the classy 51 against Zimbabwe? His 50 brushed aside Bangladesh this year, but his 19-ball 50 against Scotland should go down the annals of the format. Listen, his numbers are good, he’s an IPL captain, and he can hit 61-ball 100s in games that no one remembers! KL is smart, he scores when he wants. It’s not mandatory to turn up for big games because as they say, gotta pick your battles, mate! 

R-ahul…Naam toh suna hi hoga!

Now, it’s time to pick a battle that is blasphemous for some Indian cricket fans. It’s dangerous territory, but let’s talk about India’s Steven Gerrard. Rahul Dravid is a legit legend of Indian cricket but has been an awful appointment as a coach. As usual, his good-boy attitude held more sway than his coaching creds. He’s down to earth, so it doesn’t matter if his team’s fielding is a terrible throwback to the ‘90s. He’s humble, and that should cover for him not handing Mohammed Shami any game time throughout the year before the inevitable injury to Jasprit Bumrah. His safety-first nature saw Harshal Patel make the squad over tearaway quicks, and then he picked two defensive spinners on Australian pitches. But he’s the underdog’s favourite – the quintessential second boy who everyone backs to beat the first boy to the first position. But he never does, so, instead of looking at his shortcomings, we blame the first boy for being the teachers’ pet. 

Dravid’s leadership has never been good news for Indian cricket. He made Venugopal Rao India’s prime allrounder, but he’s not Ravi Shastri, he’s not outspoken, and he doesn’t have a perpetually drunk face, so he’s alright. He led India to one of their worst World Cup campaigns in 2007, and now, he’s done it again as a coach. 

But India’s RRR won’t be blamed for their abysmal show. The Rohitians will flood Instagram with sympathy posts, KL Rahul will be ‘injured’ till the next IPL, and Dravid is handed a break before a Bangladesh series restores his reputation. Till then, we will find a better target, the punching of Indian cricket – the bowlers. The batsmen might occasionally sacrifice their business-class seats for them, but in reality, no one’s got their back. They are the softest targets – the media has a go at them, the fans tear them apart, and then, they have to face up to a ‘Hale-storm’ with inputs from Paras ‘looks like Pep Guardiola’ Mhambrey! 

Rohit Sharma was right, the bowlers didn’t turn up against England. However, blaming the supporting cast for their dubious displays throughout the World Cup only papers over serious cracks, shifts the conversation, and takes the limelight away from the men who should be asked some really difficult questions.